Dating Single Moms: A Jamhaitianadian Tale
Oh yes, you read it right the first time… But I am not only going to talk about my experience dating ladies who happen to be single moms, oh no… This is also about what I went through as a child of a divorced family. I just want to share in my experience and hopefully you can relate, or learn from it, or not.
But if you're with me this far, let's get this road on the show!
Love - Marriage - Separation - Divorce
This seems to be the best place to start, the short story is that my parents met in the late 70's, I was born in 1980, they got married in '82 then separated by '85 / '86. I was with my mom during the separation, then in a mutually cordial agreement, I moved to Jamaica with my dad in 1988. At the time I didn't quite understand it, I was pretty much used to a nomadic lifestyle I had lived in Jamaica and Canada back and forth pretty much four or five times already. It was not until much later, in my teens to be precise, that it dawned on me what happened.
My dad had me for the school year.
My mom had me during the major vacations, summer and christmas.
For the first few years…
But we'll get to that another time...
But we'll get to that another time...
The New Person in Mom/Dad's life…
You know in the movies where they have the kid who's taking control of the divorced parent's life... Causing major trouble between the step-parent and the mother or father. Yeah, that wasn't what happened with my 'rents. I was their child in their life and was coming along for the ride! There was not going to be any "You shouldn't date her/him!" tantrums or anything of the sort. This might not work for everyone, but for me, it worked. In retrospect I really appreciate them doing that.
Life doesn't always go the way you want it. You don't always like the decisions that are made which end up affecting you significantly. But I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be the man I am today if they didn't make those decisions "on their own". Each life experience moulded me into the man I grew up to be.
I wasn't always the most accommodating kid, I did have my moments. However, in having conversations with my 'rents and looking at my flaws, and looking at other people... I really wasn't that bad.
You know, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with me sitting on his couch. He'd probably say I have the Oedipus Complex or something to that effect. Truth is, if you were to go back 10+ years I probably would have told you what most twenty-somethings would say: "I don't want no baby-mama/baby-daddy drama!" and the thought of being with a single-mom was something to run from like the plague! That was an immature, selfish, idiotic way of looking at things.
I am not going to get into details about my life, that is between me and them... What I will do is list out some Dos and Don'ts that I found in my time having friends who are single-moms and actually dating single-moms.
NOTE: These are my opinions and my approaches. These are my thought processes. I have written this for entertainment purposes only. What you do with this information is your business. That said: Do not take them for scripture as I do hereby absolve myself of any responsibility should adverse events occur if you attempt to use this list in your relationship.
HA! Also, these dos and don'ts were created with the assumption that the two people are generally a good persons with mild to moderate, yet manageable flaws.
DO be upfront and honest with her about what you expect from the relationship. Chances are she doesn't have time for bull-crap à la Sweet Brown. Y'understand? If you want something meaningful and lengthy, be straight up about it. If you want a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am situation: Be Straight Up About it! She is human and has human needs just like you, sometimes even more-so than you do! You might like the answer, and you might not, but at least you've given her the choice to evaluate where you and her stand.
DON'T rush her. Depending on the stage she is at with her past relationship, with her kids, has she been dating? Are her kids aware? Are you the first potential step-parent? Etc Etc Etc... She is going to need time to adjust. Yes, you need to be clear about your objectives for the relationship, but she has soccer practice, ballet recitals, parent-teacher's conferences, play-dates, jiu-jitsu tournaments, and much more to shuffle around. Appreciate that this will take a lot more patience than with the average single and childless lady.
DO state clearly your hopes and expectations regarding children. Just because she already has kids, doesn't mean that she wants more. If you are like myself, and would love to have your own kids one day, you have to be straight up about it. Then you need to be ready to deal with the consequences of the answer. Tell yourself truthfully if this is a deal-breaker for you. What about if she wants more kids and you don't? You need to have that discussion. This should probably be number one on the list, but it stays here for now.
DON'T expect to be the centre of her world. This may be obvious to some, but it's easy to forget about this. You have the potential to be permanently in her life... Or nah! Her children... If she's a good mother... Share a bond with her you will not truly understand unless you have a child of your own. And even then it may still be difficult.
DO know that raising children is no easy task, and expect her to be a lioness when it comes to protecting her cubs. Meaning, even if her children do wrong, even if she complains about her children doing wrong, expect that if you say something to enhance that, she will become protective of her children. Whether its by nurture or nature this is one trait I have noticed in most mothers I know.
DON'T try and bribe her children. Kids are smart you know. They can see through all the bullshit and know if you are being true or not. Furthermore if they know that they can manipulate you into getting whatever they want out of you, they will. Worse if they realize that you're doing it in order to "get in good" with their mom. Be yourself, the same person their mother is interested in. If they share any of their mother's instincts then eventually they will warm up to you... Or nah!
6 Dos and Don'ts for Single Moms:
DO be very clear on how you discipline your child, and what you expect of your partner. Every person has their own life experiences that denotes how they believe children should be raised. Not everyone is correct, but not everyone is wrong. If you have a particular way you expect your child to receive consequences for their actions, good or bad, your partner needs to know. Vice versa as well, your partner may be adverse to certain kinds of disciplining, so it's best for everyone to be prepared for the inevitable. Kids always test us, so it's going to happen, always be ready.
DON'T use your children as an excuse. If you know what you want from the person and they understands this, using your children as an excuse is not cool. Your children are a part of you, i.e. part of the package. If you no longer want a particular person in your life for whatever reason make sure you're clear on that.
DO be upfront about your concerns in terms of child abuse. This is a conversation I have had many times with my friends and ladies in my life. The last thing you want in your life is a person who is abusive towards children. Abuse may be sexual, emotional, physical or mental. At the end of the day, a candid conversation needs to be had about this. There are tactful ways to get into this conversation without accusing a person, so my advice, be tactful, but be upfront.
DON'T keep your serious relationship a secret once you know its serious. Secrets. Lies. Deception. Always come back to bite you in the ass. Yes, be tactful about how you break it to your kids, but let's be serious. Can the relationship really get serious before your kids are introduced to the potential partner?
DO expect rebellion! It. Will. Happen! On top of everything else a kid has to go through: bullying in school, hormonal changes, studying, Facebook, Twitter, instagram, etc etc... Adding a brand new person in your life to the mix. Oh boy! It'll happen! One day this sentiment will come out of your child's mouth "You're not my mother/father!" Maybe not in those words exactly, but it'll be there. When it happens, you just gotta work through it if you really want the relationship.
DON'T let your ex control your relationship. Your ex is your ex for a reason! Their insecurities about you introducing someone new into your "half" of the family are their insecurities alone. There are people who can accept a new step-parent for their child, but in my experience, it is much harder for most people than for the few. You know yourself, and your choices are your own, you cannot let someone who is no longer in your life (by your choice or theirs) to come between you and your future happiness. Because that is really what this is about, you being happy with your choices. Once you're happy, then it trickles down to your kids and your partner.
There you have it. My opinions based on my experiences. Maybe you'll agree with me, maybe you won't either way: I'd appreciate your comments! If you've gotten this far and you haven't said "What a crock!" and as violently as you possibly can clicked on the X button to close this blog down, then share this with someone!
I appreciate you taking the time out of your day, and wish you the best!
I am on instagram and twitter: @MrKDFerguson follow me!
Thank you for reading
See you on the other side
--
Kym Dominique-Ferguson
The Jamhaitianadian
Life doesn't always go the way you want it. You don't always like the decisions that are made which end up affecting you significantly. But I'll tell you this, I wouldn't be the man I am today if they didn't make those decisions "on their own". Each life experience moulded me into the man I grew up to be.
I wasn't always the most accommodating kid, I did have my moments. However, in having conversations with my 'rents and looking at my flaws, and looking at other people... I really wasn't that bad.
How I ended up dating single moms...
You know, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with me sitting on his couch. He'd probably say I have the Oedipus Complex or something to that effect. Truth is, if you were to go back 10+ years I probably would have told you what most twenty-somethings would say: "I don't want no baby-mama/baby-daddy drama!" and the thought of being with a single-mom was something to run from like the plague! That was an immature, selfish, idiotic way of looking at things.
Truthfully? I never really gave it any thought. The first time I meet a woman, and I'm interested... I mean REALLY interested: nothing else matters. So when the conversation comes up, if I'm already interested, it just becomes a matter of happenstance. That is not a deterrent for me at all.
Dating single moms...
NOTE: These are my opinions and my approaches. These are my thought processes. I have written this for entertainment purposes only. What you do with this information is your business. That said: Do not take them for scripture as I do hereby absolve myself of any responsibility should adverse events occur if you attempt to use this list in your relationship.
HA! Also, these dos and don'ts were created with the assumption that the two people are generally a good persons with mild to moderate, yet manageable flaws.
6 Dos & Don'ts when Dating a Single-Mom:
DO be upfront and honest with her about what you expect from the relationship. Chances are she doesn't have time for bull-crap à la Sweet Brown. Y'understand? If you want something meaningful and lengthy, be straight up about it. If you want a slam-bam-thank-you-ma'am situation: Be Straight Up About it! She is human and has human needs just like you, sometimes even more-so than you do! You might like the answer, and you might not, but at least you've given her the choice to evaluate where you and her stand.
DON'T rush her. Depending on the stage she is at with her past relationship, with her kids, has she been dating? Are her kids aware? Are you the first potential step-parent? Etc Etc Etc... She is going to need time to adjust. Yes, you need to be clear about your objectives for the relationship, but she has soccer practice, ballet recitals, parent-teacher's conferences, play-dates, jiu-jitsu tournaments, and much more to shuffle around. Appreciate that this will take a lot more patience than with the average single and childless lady.
DO state clearly your hopes and expectations regarding children. Just because she already has kids, doesn't mean that she wants more. If you are like myself, and would love to have your own kids one day, you have to be straight up about it. Then you need to be ready to deal with the consequences of the answer. Tell yourself truthfully if this is a deal-breaker for you. What about if she wants more kids and you don't? You need to have that discussion. This should probably be number one on the list, but it stays here for now.
DON'T expect to be the centre of her world. This may be obvious to some, but it's easy to forget about this. You have the potential to be permanently in her life... Or nah! Her children... If she's a good mother... Share a bond with her you will not truly understand unless you have a child of your own. And even then it may still be difficult.
DO know that raising children is no easy task, and expect her to be a lioness when it comes to protecting her cubs. Meaning, even if her children do wrong, even if she complains about her children doing wrong, expect that if you say something to enhance that, she will become protective of her children. Whether its by nurture or nature this is one trait I have noticed in most mothers I know.
6 Dos and Don'ts for Single Moms:
DON'T use your children as an excuse. If you know what you want from the person and they understands this, using your children as an excuse is not cool. Your children are a part of you, i.e. part of the package. If you no longer want a particular person in your life for whatever reason make sure you're clear on that.
DO be upfront about your concerns in terms of child abuse. This is a conversation I have had many times with my friends and ladies in my life. The last thing you want in your life is a person who is abusive towards children. Abuse may be sexual, emotional, physical or mental. At the end of the day, a candid conversation needs to be had about this. There are tactful ways to get into this conversation without accusing a person, so my advice, be tactful, but be upfront.
DON'T keep your serious relationship a secret once you know its serious. Secrets. Lies. Deception. Always come back to bite you in the ass. Yes, be tactful about how you break it to your kids, but let's be serious. Can the relationship really get serious before your kids are introduced to the potential partner?
DO expect rebellion! It. Will. Happen! On top of everything else a kid has to go through: bullying in school, hormonal changes, studying, Facebook, Twitter, instagram, etc etc... Adding a brand new person in your life to the mix. Oh boy! It'll happen! One day this sentiment will come out of your child's mouth "You're not my mother/father!" Maybe not in those words exactly, but it'll be there. When it happens, you just gotta work through it if you really want the relationship.
DON'T let your ex control your relationship. Your ex is your ex for a reason! Their insecurities about you introducing someone new into your "half" of the family are their insecurities alone. There are people who can accept a new step-parent for their child, but in my experience, it is much harder for most people than for the few. You know yourself, and your choices are your own, you cannot let someone who is no longer in your life (by your choice or theirs) to come between you and your future happiness. Because that is really what this is about, you being happy with your choices. Once you're happy, then it trickles down to your kids and your partner.
There you have it. My opinions based on my experiences. Maybe you'll agree with me, maybe you won't either way: I'd appreciate your comments! If you've gotten this far and you haven't said "What a crock!" and as violently as you possibly can clicked on the X button to close this blog down, then share this with someone!
I appreciate you taking the time out of your day, and wish you the best!
I am on instagram and twitter: @MrKDFerguson follow me!
Thank you for reading
See you on the other side
--
Kym Dominique-Ferguson
The Jamhaitianadian
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