Good afternoon, Good morning, Good evening or Good night...
Wherever you are, whoever you are, thank you for reading. It has been one month and eleven days since my last post. The day after my grandmother's life was celebrated. If one was to be honest with oneself, meaning me, this past month has been difficult... To say the least. I have been surrounded by friends and family that love and genuinely care for me. The blessings of their friendship has been unbound.
There have been some epiphanies... Some that caused a heavy heart, and some that reopened doors of friendship, long thought to be closed.
I haven't had the hardest life, to my knowledge, but it hasn't been the easiest either. Planting my roots in Jamaica, deep and firm, yet dancing on the edge of nomadic living, a life my mother had revealed to me in bits and pieces over the years we have known each other. "Known each other" those words hold a specific meaning for me.
As some of you may know, but some may not, I am a wordsmith, poet, spoken word artist, connoisseur of the oratory arts and so words speak just a little bit differently to me than to the average person. You can spend a lifetime living with someone, yet you do not know who they are. Have you ever had a situation happen with someone you've been around your whole life and you feel like you are looking at a complete stranger? Well, my parents are not strangers to me.
Every time they speak I know the purpose of their words, why they chose to speak them in such a cadence, the deepness of the baritone or the featherweight softness. In having lived in Montreal for a third of my life, words are the most common expression between my family and myself. I know them well.
My heart has been heavy, I thought I was doing well with my gramma's death. Even with all the drama that's swirling and been swirling since even before she passed, I thought I could be that pillar. The rock she told me I was. The centre of gravity that everyone could turn to. Yesterday that was shattered by a DVD and a 35mm film. Do you know Bucket List a film with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson? It is about two mean coming to terms with their death, and what they decide to do in their final days.
I cried like a baby on my brown futon couch. It made me think of my grandmother. Deeply.Wishing I had a little more time with her. Wishing she had a bucket list we could go through for her. Wishing there was something more I could have done. For the first time, I realized that I shot past the first, second and third stages of grief and went straight to depression. This depression is the sadness and regret type.
Its been hard accepting that my Sundays are forever changed. No longer will I be going to her place after working on Sunday for a Chinese food dinner. No longer will I be receiving calls to reprimand me for not having called her in a while. No longer will I sit beside her on her couch and watch movies, tv shows, and such... Or hold her hand, just because... Unlike in Bucket List, there was no warning. I expected it, but there was a certain level of apprehension and hope that "nah! not gonna happen for a good while now..."
The 35mm film I watched, The Hundred Foot Journey completely shattered the delicate mould I was attempting to protect myself with. It is a story about one of my passions, i.e. cooking. The main character, Hassan, was taught by his mother to cook. Not just to cook, but to do it with heart. She said "To cook is to kill, you must be willing to serve ghosts..." I am paraphrasing. An amazing journey. It deals with issues of bigotry and racism. Struggle against all odds. Cultural tradition and adaptation. Love and fear. Competitiveness among friends. So much more than that as well.
Given what has been going on in the United States it was a refreshing view on how to make a stand with food. How to unite two different countries, by an exchange of dishes. Nothing brings people together the way food does. Anyway, I am not even sure I know what I am talking about.
I do thank you for reading, I shall be writing on a regular basis and do hope you will be revisiting soon.
Warmest regards,
See you on the other side
--
Kym Dominique-Ferguson
The Jamhaitianadian
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